SAFELINE

Registered Charity Number 1070854

Information for Partners and Friends

Introduction

It is important for a survivor of sexual abuse to be listened to, and believed, whether they have recently been attacked, or are talking about events that happened some time ago, for example, in their childhood.

This leaflet aims to give some helpful information on how to respond if you are in the situation where a partner or friend has just started speaking out about their own experience of childhood sexual abuse or rape.

Do Not ...

Do not tell them to forget about it. Do not say "it happened a long time ago, why does it suddenly bother you now?" Healing can take time and some people block or try to forget traumatic events. This is a way of coping with what has happened. Remembering can be triggered by events such as the birth of a baby, a TV programme, marriage, changing job, starting a new relationship, death of an abuser etc.

Do not ask them why they did not fight back. People can freeze when confronted with a terrifying situation.

Do not ask why they did not say anything sooner. If it happened when they where young they may have tried to tell but were ignored or disbelieved. Most people do try to tell someone at some time.

Do not tell them what to do. They need to be in control of their own decisions about matters that affect them. You can help them to explore options that are available to them.

Do not pressure them into doing, or talking about things they are not ready to face. When they are ready they will speak.

How Can I Help?

LISTEN - to what s/he has to say and let her/him take their time. It might not be easy for them to start talking about an event that they have kept silent about for a long time. It may be difficult because they may have been told not to tell by the abuser at the time.

BELIEVE- people rarely lie about sexual abuse or rape. Why would they? It is important to believe what they are saying.

RESPECT - both their feelings and decisions. If they feel like crying, let them, it can be part of her /his healing process.

REMEMBER - it is not her/his fault. No one asks to be abused and s/he cannot be blamed for not preventing the abuse. The blame lies with the abuser.

RECOGNISE- the courage it takes for a survivor to speak must be recognised and praised. It takes a great deal of courage to face up to fears and also to talk about any sexual experience.

What about Sexual Contact?

If it is your partner that has just remembered some past abuse which s/he has blocked out, s/he may find sexual and intimate contact difficult. It is important to realise that it is not something to do with you - it is to do with the feelings and memories s/he has. Reassure her/him and let them take things at their own pace. With your help, patience and understanding, s/he can heal from the trauma.

What About my Feelings?

The feelings you are experiencing are justified, but may add to the upset for the survivor. S/he may feel responsible for upsetting you. Seek support from a trusted friend, family member or your GP.